Soylent Announces New Line of GMKs

alien_cat4

It gives me great pleasure to announce the first public release from Soylent X, our research arm focused on “solving the unsolvable”. After solving physical health with Soylent, we sought to tackle the elephant in the room of America’s healthcare system: mental health. Americans suffer from the highest levels of anxiety in the world. Research shows we’re lonely, stressed, overworked, and underpaid. While problematic overall, I find the gist of this trend encouraging. Work is the lifeblood of a thriving economy. Work has given us space shuttles, particle accelerators, and a booming finance industry. Work is the noblest of man’s pursuits, and just as violence has declined, economies have grown, and life has lengthened, I believe workdays will continue to get longer.

If only we could relax more efficiently, we could work more, and better, and be happier. Research shows people spend their free time with family or friends, wasting time and money at expensive parties, restaurants, and bars. These same people report relationships as a primary source of stress. Therein lies the problem. People are vexing. You are more likely to be murdered by a lover than a stranger. Gossip is ubiquitous and no one can be trusted.  The way we relax is only adding to our anxiety.

The solution? Cats.

Humans are social animals. We need to be needed, yet today demand a high level of convenience, ruling out the emotional distress of dealing with other humans. Originally incorporated in to society as useful vermin hunters, house cats have since been cultivated as baby replacements. It took centuries to domesticate feral cats in to playful, personal felines. To do so we had to rely on primitive techniques such as artificial selection and cross-breeding. New strains have been periodically introduced in order to provide consumers with greater selection, and today genetic engineering and synthetic growth lines allows for greater control, efficiency, and sustainability. This is why we are expanding our business to offer the world’s first Genetically Modified Kittens (GMKs).

The timing and the technology are perfectly aligned. The pet industry is growing rapidly, and is divided among thousands of local, independent, brick-and-mortar stores. Cats are the most popular pet in the world. A higher degree of customer service, control, efficiency, and sustainability is poised to disrupt a fragmented, entrenched industry. The explosion in 3D printing and hacking has made it clear that personalization and customization is the future of manufacturing. Furthermore, synthetic biology and tissue engineering technology have not only made the genome rewriteable, but embryos producible without the unpredictability and cost of a natural medium.

Our beautifully well-designed web site offers an intuitive interface to allow customization of nearly every aspect of your feline. You may even code one from scratch if you’d like and upload a CSV of Single Nucleotide Polymorphisms (SNPs). Options include:

kitten

Physical Characteristics

Hair Color
Eye Color
Ear Length
Mass
Solubility

Personality

Sanguine <> Truculent
Curious <> Oblivious
Pensive <> Negligent
Progressive <> Conservative
Astute <> Obtuse

For the “kitten connoisseur” our premium service also offers clones of celebrity cats. Note that these remarkably skilled felines, famous in their own right, could be a serious asset and should be seen as an investment.

Grumpy Cat – $15,000
Lil Bub – $50,000
Maru – $100,000
Keyboard Cat – Call for Pricing

Our companion product, “Soylent for Cats” is another innovation and a massive improvement over the status quo of feline nutrition. Perfectly balanced and optimized for the needs of your cat, Soylent for Cats is a genetically engineered mouse which has the precise nutritional balance needed by your cat. It also has no bones.

mouse_ball

Soylent for Cats is designed to be completely absorbed by your animal’s bloodstream, obviating the need for defecation and smelly litter boxes. Your cat will still pee. More than normal actually. But, thanks to a clever transgenic modification, it will smell like lavender.

Do not feed a natural cat with Soylent for Cats.

Customer service is our top priority for our GMK line. If you are unsatisfied with your kitten for any reason you may ship it back for recycling. GMKs come neutered and immunized, and arrive, beautifully packaged, in a chemical-induced coma. It may be a bit groggy for a few days but don’t worry, it will wear off, and testing shows it’s adorable to watch them stumble around.

  • Abnormal blood pH
  • Weak immune system
  • Banana rather than lavender-scented urine
  • Insatiable desire for human flesh

These will be fixed by the final release. I would also like to point out that the controversial paper published recently in Journal of Housecat Toxicology deliberately used the media to sensationalize bad science. The statistical methods were amateur at best and deliberately misleading at worst. The paper has since been removed by the editors. GMKs are completely safe and due to genetic engineering are far healthier and robust than naturally occurring cats, especially when fed exclusively with Soylent for Cats.

Cats are an excellent investment in social capital. Users have reported a 38% increase in social media likes and shares after incorporating cats into statuses and photos. Unlike friends, cats will not talk about themselves, ask you to pick them up from the airport, or analyze your facial expressions. However, they will eat you if you die in their presence.

The despondency industry in America is growing 7% year over year, and has not seen innovation in centuries. It is time for disruption. By providing a superior, customizable product over natural cats at a lower cost, Soylent Corporation is positioned to take a lion’s share of a fragmented market. According to our projections, the synthetic companion market segment is due to grow by playful leaps and bounds thanks to innovations in the underlying biotechnology of dependency. The future is meow.

  • Sean Lumly

    Happy April 1st to you too! ;)

    (I had a good laugh at the succinctly stated “cat” solution. Up until that part I was taking the article very seriously)

  • MacPhyle

    I hadn’t thought to look for an April Fool’s prank here, but I will next Apr 1st for sure, LOL :-) Good one.

  • Ryder Ripps

    fake

  • Fritz

    “They also have no bones.” xD

  • Daniel Hargrove

    The one word “solubility” nearly killed me

  • http://margauxliseron.blogspot.com/ Margaux Liseron

    Jeez, it looked like an orwellian premonitory dream ! Let’s see in thirty years, maybe it wasn’t just an April 1st…

  • GailKemerer

    the future’s so bright, we have to wear shades

  • IamSoylent

    OMG I didn’t see this until just now. When I wrote to you recently and suggested Soylent for pets, I was serious! Had no idea you’d already made an incredibly thorough joke out of it. Great stuff!

    I do however, sincerely hope that some day you’re able to do a Soylent for cats. We would be a very very happy permanent customer! =)

  • Loren Jackrre

    Am I the only one reading this that wants one? I’m on board with no poop and lavender scented pee!!

  • nhr215
    • jj a

      How about look at all of the other reviews from people who loved it? There are many.

      The backers/customers who have gotten the actual product are only seeing a couple day gas problem and a 1/4 teaspoon deficiency in salt (which soylent said will be remedied in the next batch). Other than that they love it. So, ouch yourself.

  • Icebiker3

    Dear Soylent-
    It has been a year now since I received delivery of little Mittens. The color was not exactly what I expected, but I suppose it is close enough, as she blends in nicely with the rest of the decor. Thank you so much for sending the technician around to adjust her voice; it was sooo grating but now is a nice mellow meow, and her purring is very tranquil. My blood pressure is already down 15 points, and she is kept busy evicting roaches and rats and small children from our yard. We are really glad we specified “extra long, extra sharp claws”. They certainly have come in handy for her, especially around the holidays. Those pesky neighborhood dogs now stay on their own side of the street, and the paper boy has learned his manners, although it took a bit of coaching to get her to allow the Girl Scouts up on the porch. That was a close one, for sure!
    She has been worth every penny I spent, and now my wife is talking about another one in a contrasting color. They could tag team that pesky inspector the next time, for sure. You have saved our marriage, and I even made the mortgage payment on time this month. If not for little Mittens, we would be living under a bridge by now. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

  • http://redoudou.tumblr.com/ Redoudou

    “kitten connoisseur” I think you meant “kitten connaisseur” :)

  • http://goshuar.tumblr.com Josh Gosh

    Can I get mine with the insatiable desire for human flesh left in?